Sometimes a friend will tell you exactly what you need to hear at a given time. And it is even better when it is someone with whom you haven't spoken with in quite a while.
I have really been struggling with body image lately. The past few weeks have been really difficult for me. And I don't want to talk about it too much or dwell on it because I don't respond well to focusing on my body. It tends to take me down a dark path to places I don't want to go. And I have many friends who also struggle in this area, and I would hate for something I say to derail someone else's recovery. So, I have been suffering silently. And, trying to focus on the good.
My body can do so much for me! (It's a great mantra....when it works.)
The mantra hasn't been working much for me lately. I get stuck focusing on the negative: the weight I've gained, the way my body looks, the difficulties I have trying to log more miles and increase my endurance. In the back of my mind, I have horrible, negative, debilitating thoughts that threaten to send me back down the same spiral that I dug myself out of more than two years ago.
But, today, I got a great message from a good friend who I haven't seen in a couple years. Someone who knew my past struggles and could even relate to them in her own way. In three short sentences, she put a smile on my face and really brightened my mood. She encouraged me and gave me a little permission to offer myself grace. I am very grateful for this wonderful, beautiful woman and I feel so blessed to have her in my life. And I miss her desperately.
What is the nicest thing a friend has told you recently?
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Eating Disorder Treatment News
An interesting article on CNN.com today reports that upwards of 60% of people suffering with an eating disorder do not meet the DSM-IV diagnostic requirements to receive treatment.
These patients may medically need hospitalization, but their insurance companies won't authorize the treatment. If they don't meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulimia, regardless of their medical status and need for in-patient treatment, they are classified as EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) and could be denied treatment until they get even sicker.
"It is often the case that admission to an inpatient program for eating disorders is denied because individuals do not meet the full diagnostic criteria," said Michael Strober, professor of psychiatry and director of the eating disorders program at the University of California, Los Angeles Neuropsychiatric Institute and Hospital.
The article points out that insurance companies often mandate releasing patients from in-patient care once they no longer meet the clinical definition of the specific eating disorder. For me this would have been terrible. And the same is true for so many of the people I met in treatment. If they had been released once they got their period, for example, (and thus, no longer met the diagnostic criteria for anorexia) they would have been heading out into the same world where they got sick in the first place. And they would have been entering that world without the necessary tools to properly deal and cope with the issues that led them to their eating disorder.
I am encouraged that the article hinted at upcoming changes for the DSM-V in regards to criteria for diagnosing eating disorders in the future. For example, the absence of menstruation would no longer be necessary for a diagnosis of anorexia. I am also encouraged that Binge Eating looks to be getting it's own diagnostic category rather than being included in the broad scope of EDNOS.
We are still a few years out from the publishing of the new DSM-V (2013), but I hope that physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists and others involved in the treatment of those with eating disorders will do everything that they can to encourage these changes and others to make it easier for those suffering to get the help they need.
And, keep in mind that as a patient, you are always your biggest advocate. Talk to your insurance company. Talk to your physician and other providers. Do everything you can to fight for your treatment. You are worth it!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Eleven Miles
Today was another PDR! I tackled 11 miles. Here are the splits:
Mile 1: 9:59
Mile 2: 9:39
Mile 3: 9:47
Mile 4: 9:49
Mile 5: 9:57
Life is going so well at this point. I am having fun. Everything feels great. I'm at an easy pace. I'm actually thinking about all the wonderful things I am going to blog about when I get home. Then....
Mile 6: 10:39
Mile 7: 10:49
Mile 8: 10:41
Mile 9: 10:36
Mile 10: 10:48
Mile 11: 10:19
The worst part is that I wasn't tired cardiovascularly. It was that my legs felt like they were laden with lead. It was hard to get them off the ground. I started tripping over my toes and accidentally kicking the inside of my ankles with each stride. I even had to take 2 mini walking breaks....and I don't usually do that. It was disheartening. But I think the solution is that I need to lose a few pounds.
I know that is a dangerous thing to say, coming from someone who has struggled with an eating disorder. And even though I haven't stepped on a scale in months, and only my doctors know what I truly weigh, I'm pretty sure that I am at the upper end of what would be my ideal weight range.
So, I have some pounds to play with. I think that my body would function better on my long runs if it didn't have to carry around so much weight. But....how do I tackle this without falling into my previous patterns of restricting?
First, I have something motivating me. I LOVE TO RUN!!! And to run, my body needs fuel. But I need to give it appropriate fuel. Good carbs, proteins and lots of fruits and veggies. I can cut out some of the extraneous calories that I take in. Especially things like the super yummy marshmallow-y treats that someone brought to work yesterday. And I don't need to have two sugar cookies at church on Sundays. I can make smaller bowls of banana ice cream for dessert. And I'll be able to stop my coveting of the McDonald's Shamrock Shake, because it has to be disappearing soon.
I am not sure how I am going to monitor my progress. We don't own a scale (other that the Wii balance board), and I am still a little nervous to get on a scale and know my weight. What I really care about is whether the number is going down. I guess I need someone who can look at the scale and just let me know which direction the number is going.
And, I can monitor by how I feel on my runs. If I drop a few pounds, my legs should be better able to handle the stress I am putting on them. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.
Mile 1: 9:59
Mile 2: 9:39
Mile 3: 9:47
Mile 4: 9:49
Mile 5: 9:57
Life is going so well at this point. I am having fun. Everything feels great. I'm at an easy pace. I'm actually thinking about all the wonderful things I am going to blog about when I get home. Then....
Mile 6: 10:39
Mile 7: 10:49
Mile 8: 10:41
Mile 9: 10:36
Mile 10: 10:48
Mile 11: 10:19
The worst part is that I wasn't tired cardiovascularly. It was that my legs felt like they were laden with lead. It was hard to get them off the ground. I started tripping over my toes and accidentally kicking the inside of my ankles with each stride. I even had to take 2 mini walking breaks....and I don't usually do that. It was disheartening. But I think the solution is that I need to lose a few pounds.
I know that is a dangerous thing to say, coming from someone who has struggled with an eating disorder. And even though I haven't stepped on a scale in months, and only my doctors know what I truly weigh, I'm pretty sure that I am at the upper end of what would be my ideal weight range.
So, I have some pounds to play with. I think that my body would function better on my long runs if it didn't have to carry around so much weight. But....how do I tackle this without falling into my previous patterns of restricting?
First, I have something motivating me. I LOVE TO RUN!!! And to run, my body needs fuel. But I need to give it appropriate fuel. Good carbs, proteins and lots of fruits and veggies. I can cut out some of the extraneous calories that I take in. Especially things like the super yummy marshmallow-y treats that someone brought to work yesterday. And I don't need to have two sugar cookies at church on Sundays. I can make smaller bowls of banana ice cream for dessert. And I'll be able to stop my coveting of the McDonald's Shamrock Shake, because it has to be disappearing soon.
I am not sure how I am going to monitor my progress. We don't own a scale (other that the Wii balance board), and I am still a little nervous to get on a scale and know my weight. What I really care about is whether the number is going down. I guess I need someone who can look at the scale and just let me know which direction the number is going.
And, I can monitor by how I feel on my runs. If I drop a few pounds, my legs should be better able to handle the stress I am putting on them. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Musings on being two years removed
The coolest thing about being in recovery from an eating disorder is that life is about so much more than recovery!
When I left Remuda two years ago, I was fighting a constant battle in my head with my eating disorder. It was exhausting. On the outside, I maintained the facade of the dutiful girl in recovery. But inside, I was thinking of ways to eat less, burn calories and not gain weight....without letting anyone know that I was still struggling. I would eat my meals and drink (most of) my Ensures, but I hated every minute of it. I hated going to the dietitian and getting weighed. I hated my doctor telling me that I wasn't gaining weight the way I should; but I hated it more when she told me that I was.
In the months following my departure from Remuda, I thought almost constantly about recovery. And when I wasn't thinking about recovery, I was thinking about my eating disorder. I wanted to be recovered and not have to deal with all the thoughts and behaviors that did nothing but exhaust me, but I was so afraid of losing control that giving up my eating disorder terrified me. I dreamed of going back to Remuda; where I was understood and I didn't have to think about anything. Everything was done for me. I sat down to the table and ate the meals and the snacks that were prepared for me. I trusted that the treatment team there would take care of me. But at home, I had to take care of myself. And I didn't trust myself enough to be able to do that. Every meal and every snack became an ordeal in measuring and counting and writing down everything that came in contact with my mouth. And, heaven forbid, we would go to a restaurant! That was more than enough to cause me to lunge for the bottle of Atarax.
For months, I went back and forth between wanting my recovery more and wanting my eating disorder more. Even after moving back to Wisconsin (only 6 months after leaving treatment), I was still in love with my eating disorder. I found a new treatment team and tried my hardest to convince them that I wanted to be healthy. I don't know to what degree they actually believed me. I don't even know to what degree I believed me.
The problem is that you can't really live in both worlds. And, in September of 2008, eight months after leaving Remuda, I made a decision. I was going to 'quit' my eating disorder. I have never been really good at doing things halfway. When I was hanging on to my eating disorder and still trying to be in recovery, I wasn't really doing either one very well. (As if you would want to do an eating disorder well) So, from that day on, I just quit. I didn't have an eating disorder anymore.
I wish I could say that I recovered the same time I made that decision. However, as with most things in life, it just wasn't that easy. I still hated the idea of gaining weight. But I hated feeling weak and queasy all the time. I hated the way my clothes fit as I (healthily) gained weight. But I hated being tired all the time and not being able to concentrate. I hated having to sit down to a meal and eat all of it. But I hated coming up with new ways to avoid food.
In the depths of my eating disorder, my relationship with friends and family weren't the only ones that suffered. I wasn't really on speaking terms with God, either. I tried to avoid going to church and other activities with our church family. At one point, I even avoided taking communion because all I saw were calories! It appalls me now to think back on that. I was avoiding the act of communing with God, celebrating my Savior's sacrifice for my sins, because I was afraid that a little wafer and cup of juice were going to make me fat.
It has now been 14 months since 'quitting' my eating disorder. I have reached my ideal body weight. Ironically, I got to that weight exactly a year after I left Remuda. I don't know what my weight is right now, but I know that my doctor will tell me if I have anything to be worried about. I know that I am within my ideal weight range. But more importantly, I have accomplished so much since leaving the eating disorder behind.
I went back to school and graduated from the Medical Assistant program. I have started the EMT program, and I'm on the waiting list for the nursing program. I have run eight 5Ks in the past few months and I'm now training for a half marathon. I am involved in my church and looking forward to serving in more ways. And, I am starting to develop (and renew) some authentic friendships. And I can do this regardless of whether or not there will be food around. It is so freeing!
I wish that I could say my eating disorder is a chapter of my life that is completely behind me. Regardless of all that I have accomplished and all the progress I have made, there are still days when I struggle. I will still get a little anxious if I overeat, but I know that one meal is not going to make me obese. I have days when I want to restrict, but I know that I won't be able to be active and run and do the things that I enjoy if I don't fuel my body.
So, am I recovered? I don't think so. But, whereas I used to believe that I would always be in recovery from my eating disorder, I know now that a full recovery is possible. There will come a day when the voices won't haunt me anymore. When food won't control me. When life will be so full of living that there won't be any room for anything else.
I don't know if my story is special or unique in any way. I wish that I could take credit for pushing my way through these challenges. But everything that I have done, has been done by Christ through me.
When I left Remuda two years ago, I was fighting a constant battle in my head with my eating disorder. It was exhausting. On the outside, I maintained the facade of the dutiful girl in recovery. But inside, I was thinking of ways to eat less, burn calories and not gain weight....without letting anyone know that I was still struggling. I would eat my meals and drink (most of) my Ensures, but I hated every minute of it. I hated going to the dietitian and getting weighed. I hated my doctor telling me that I wasn't gaining weight the way I should; but I hated it more when she told me that I was.
In the months following my departure from Remuda, I thought almost constantly about recovery. And when I wasn't thinking about recovery, I was thinking about my eating disorder. I wanted to be recovered and not have to deal with all the thoughts and behaviors that did nothing but exhaust me, but I was so afraid of losing control that giving up my eating disorder terrified me. I dreamed of going back to Remuda; where I was understood and I didn't have to think about anything. Everything was done for me. I sat down to the table and ate the meals and the snacks that were prepared for me. I trusted that the treatment team there would take care of me. But at home, I had to take care of myself. And I didn't trust myself enough to be able to do that. Every meal and every snack became an ordeal in measuring and counting and writing down everything that came in contact with my mouth. And, heaven forbid, we would go to a restaurant! That was more than enough to cause me to lunge for the bottle of Atarax.
For months, I went back and forth between wanting my recovery more and wanting my eating disorder more. Even after moving back to Wisconsin (only 6 months after leaving treatment), I was still in love with my eating disorder. I found a new treatment team and tried my hardest to convince them that I wanted to be healthy. I don't know to what degree they actually believed me. I don't even know to what degree I believed me.
The problem is that you can't really live in both worlds. And, in September of 2008, eight months after leaving Remuda, I made a decision. I was going to 'quit' my eating disorder. I have never been really good at doing things halfway. When I was hanging on to my eating disorder and still trying to be in recovery, I wasn't really doing either one very well. (As if you would want to do an eating disorder well) So, from that day on, I just quit. I didn't have an eating disorder anymore.
I wish I could say that I recovered the same time I made that decision. However, as with most things in life, it just wasn't that easy. I still hated the idea of gaining weight. But I hated feeling weak and queasy all the time. I hated the way my clothes fit as I (healthily) gained weight. But I hated being tired all the time and not being able to concentrate. I hated having to sit down to a meal and eat all of it. But I hated coming up with new ways to avoid food.
In the depths of my eating disorder, my relationship with friends and family weren't the only ones that suffered. I wasn't really on speaking terms with God, either. I tried to avoid going to church and other activities with our church family. At one point, I even avoided taking communion because all I saw were calories! It appalls me now to think back on that. I was avoiding the act of communing with God, celebrating my Savior's sacrifice for my sins, because I was afraid that a little wafer and cup of juice were going to make me fat.
Jesus said to them, "I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. John 6:35
It has now been 14 months since 'quitting' my eating disorder. I have reached my ideal body weight. Ironically, I got to that weight exactly a year after I left Remuda. I don't know what my weight is right now, but I know that my doctor will tell me if I have anything to be worried about. I know that I am within my ideal weight range. But more importantly, I have accomplished so much since leaving the eating disorder behind.
I went back to school and graduated from the Medical Assistant program. I have started the EMT program, and I'm on the waiting list for the nursing program. I have run eight 5Ks in the past few months and I'm now training for a half marathon. I am involved in my church and looking forward to serving in more ways. And, I am starting to develop (and renew) some authentic friendships. And I can do this regardless of whether or not there will be food around. It is so freeing!
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2
I wish that I could say my eating disorder is a chapter of my life that is completely behind me. Regardless of all that I have accomplished and all the progress I have made, there are still days when I struggle. I will still get a little anxious if I overeat, but I know that one meal is not going to make me obese. I have days when I want to restrict, but I know that I won't be able to be active and run and do the things that I enjoy if I don't fuel my body.
So, am I recovered? I don't think so. But, whereas I used to believe that I would always be in recovery from my eating disorder, I know now that a full recovery is possible. There will come a day when the voices won't haunt me anymore. When food won't control me. When life will be so full of living that there won't be any room for anything else.
I don't know if my story is special or unique in any way. I wish that I could take credit for pushing my way through these challenges. But everything that I have done, has been done by Christ through me.
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13I couldn't have persevered through the dark times without the love of God and those around me who shined with His love and forgiveness. I have received so much grace and mercy and those are the things that I will always remember when I think about this chapter of my life.
But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all ... might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen. 2 Timothy 4:17-18
Sunday, August 30, 2009
feeling better
Last night I got in 4.25 miles on my treadmill. It really felt fantastic! I have really gone full circle when it comes to running. I used to HATE running. Just ask anyone that new me in high school or college. I would find creative ways to skip running at basketball practice. A couple years ago, when I was sick, my brain wanted to run and wanted to like running, but my body was so sick that I could hardly walk. As I started healing my body (and, consequently, my mind), I started to run. And somewhere along that journey, I started to like running. Now I LOVE running. And this love of running has created a new motivation to keep my body healthy, so that I can engage in the activities that I love (not just running).
When I hear the enemy whispering lies in my ear about my body or food or what I look like, I try so hard to focus on the things I love. And sometimes running is the thing that refocuses me on making healthy choices. I thank God that I can run. I thank God that he brought me to a place where I enjoy running. And I thank God for recovery.
When I hear the enemy whispering lies in my ear about my body or food or what I look like, I try so hard to focus on the things I love. And sometimes running is the thing that refocuses me on making healthy choices. I thank God that I can run. I thank God that he brought me to a place where I enjoy running. And I thank God for recovery.
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